The Sporadic Suffering and Tiresome Torments of Albus Potter
by ACtravels
Summary: Hi, I'm Albus Potter. And there's a very high chance that I will die prematurely. Why? My brother.
1. The one with the twins

_Warnings: Mildly bad language, lots of shenanigans and the mention of irritating siblings. This story will be fifteen chapters long and is up and complete and up in its entirety on another website (HPFF). Putting it up here for the sake of back up, really... but that means that updates should be pretty swift (as I have no excuse otherwise)._

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**The Sporadic Suffering and Tiresome Torments of Albus Potter**

_**Chapter one: the one with the twins **_

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I'd been half asleep; resting on my elbows and half drifting off as the Potions professor rambled on about something I genuinely couldn't give a hippogriff about.

The girls were all paying attention - even Jan beside me was sat upright scribbling notes down in purple writing - and the last time Jan took notes was almost definitely first year. So it was probably some girly potion that had caused me to switch off completely, because I highly doubted that it was Professor whatzit who was capturing their attention – he looked liked he'd swallowed a bludger with his rounded stomach and permanent look of pain. No, it was definitely the potion.

My eyes fluttered closed for a second.

Then it hit me.

"_Owwh._" I muttered indignantly, turning around to locate the source of the pain. Nothing but Scorpius Malfoy sat on the row behind me, mouth partly open and eyes impossibly blank as he stared in the vague direction of the front of the class. He definitely hadn't moved in the past twenty minutes and by the looks of it would never move again – he'd probably (hopefully) turn into a marble statue by the end of the period. Which would be a good thing. Because then Lily wouldn't be able to fancy him and even if she did continue to fancy the cold lump of stone (which I wouldn't put past her), he wouldn't exactly be able to do anything and my sister's honour would be safe.

I turned back to the front so it didn't look like I'd been ogling Malfoy. "Jan," I said, nudging her with my elbow and dragging my gaze up to her face. "What are we even doing?" I whined.

"Beauty potion." She replied without shifting her own gaze from the blackboard.

I groaned and closed my eyes. Definitely a girl potion. Definitely not interested (why did Jan give two shits about some crappy beauty potion anyway? It wasn't like she _needed_it).

It hit me on the back of the head again. I whirled around. Malfoy's head was lolling in the general downward direction, so it couldn't have been him. Rose, next to him (sly bastard), was too engrossed in scribbling down the notes so enthusiastically that she had ink on her nose, so it couldn't have been her.

Maybe my head was just producing random spurts of pain, induced by the astounding level of boredom I'd reached. Beauty potion? I ask you. If the stuff was any good the professor could have done with swallowing a few litres himself.

I rested my head on the desk and made a pathetic noise of complaint. I was so bored. So _so_bored.

"Potter," The voice of the professor rang out. I jerked my head up immediately and stared bleary-eyed that the professor, "stop throwing things around my classroom."

"I'm_ not_." I muttered as confusion added to my boredom. Jan elbowed me and nodded to the back of the classroom.

"Sorry Professor." James said, keeping his head close to the desk and putting on a falsely high voice that I assumed was an impression of me. To be honest, I should have known. It always had _something_to do with James.

"I don't sound like that," I hissed to Jan. She bit her lip obviously attempting not to laugh. "I _don't_." I said defensively. Professor Whatzit turned back to the front and I stretched my neck to get a better view of James, giving him my best 'what-the-hell-are-you-doing' look.

He grinned his 'what-can-I-say?' grin before drawing back his arm and... Throwing something at my face. It hit me in the eye. James laughed silently. I blinked furiously as my eye stung like a bitch. Jan was shaking beside me, her lips slammed shut to stop herself laughing out loud. Wrench.

I turned my back on James and determinedly face the front. "Aren't you going to read them?" Jan asked, gesturing towards the tiny scrap of parchment that was folded in my hand... and three other pieces of paper that were on the floor; the source of the former mentioned pain. Each tiny scrap of paper shaped into a (really really sharp) arrow – obviously done by magic. Of course. Typical James. Even when throwing notes around he'd find some way to inflict pain. Bloody idiot.

"Given up with your notes then?" I questioned, bending down to pick up the other pieces of parchment grudgingly.

"Load of bullocks anyway." She said, placing down her quill and examining her bright orange finger nails. I grunted in response and unfolded the scraps of parchment.

_Help me!_ The first read in James's familiar untidy handwriting. I frowned. This didn't bode well for me. _Need your help, meet me at the usual spot after class. _

And then...

_PAY ATTENTION TO ME. I need your help._

And, finally...

_Helpmehelpmehelpme!_

I turned back around to glare at him. There was no way I was about to help him out, not after last time. I shook my head. He cocked his head to one side and tried out the famous Weasley eyes that worked on every female member of the family (bar Dom, she's freakishly immune – very inconvenient) but were rendered useless on anyone with the wrong set of chromosomes. He should have known better.

He blinked at me stupidly, as if that would help.

I shook my head again.

He pouted.

I rolled my eyes and turned back to the front.

"Oh go on Al," Jan hissed, having just finished reading the notes for herself, "he'll only bother you if you don't."

This was very true. Jan was usually right about these things. I sighed, considered this for a moment and then nodded.

James grinned, gave me a thumbs up, and then ducked between the desks in the direction of the dungeon door. I rolled my eyes. He could have just asked at lunch.

Of course James was beyond that and had to everything in _style_. Still, he managed to get to the door and open it without capturing the attention of Professor Watzit, although – obviously – he'd attracted everyone else's attention. Even Malfoy. Even the girls (minus Rose, who was used to this stuff happening and was apparently freakishly interested in beauty - don't tell Hugo, he'd have a field day) had stopped listening to the garbage about 'Beauty potions.'

He paused at the door, grinned wickedly and yelled "Why don't you drink that stuff, Professor? Or does it not work in extreme cases of ugliness" in the fake high voice before bolting out and disappearing.

The main thing that bothered me about this was the similarity between mine and my brother's thoughts - I did not want to be considered as 'similar' to him. Whatsoever.

"Potter!" Professor Watzit exclaimed, staring confusedly at the back where I suppose he thought I'd been. He located me soon enough though, as the only person in the class who was not chocking on their own badly contained laughed and amusement. "Think its funny do you, Potter? To make smart comments? Think it's _funny."_

The answer was a resounding no from me, but my views were not echoed by the other people in the classroom – who were practically dying and hyperventilating due to their high pitched and screechy laughter. I stared back at him expressionlessly.

"Thirty points form Gryffindor!" He declared. "And detention for a week! Silence or there _will_be whole class detentions!" Then he turned back to the front and continued to draw a completely pointless diagram of what looked to be a giant pineapple adding a crushed pig into a caldron. It was probably a self portrait.

I turned to Jan in frustration.

"I don't even _sound _like that."

o0o0o

"What do you _want_?" I asked impatiently as I slumped onto one of the seats in the kitchens and glared at my supposed 'brother' who was sat across the table looking as classically idiotic as ever. I flat out refused to admit that I shared genes with that excuse of a human being.

"How many detentions?" James grinned, clicking his fingers to gain the attention of one of the house elves. Aunt Hermione would have a fit. As would Rose. Hugo would probably cheer him on.

"A weeks worth."

"Not too bad," James commented, "Two treacle tarts, if you _please_." He said in the direction of the house elf. "Now, speaking of two tarts... You know the Bones twins?"

"Yes..." I said slowly, feeling a sense of dread over where the conversation was heading.

"I'm dating one of them."

"Which one?"

James prolonged his pause for long enough for me to know exactly what was coming next. "Not _exactly_sure."

"James!" I exclaimed. "You _do_know they're family friends..."

"Everyone's a bloody family friend, I don't know if you realised this Al, but Dad_ did_save the Wizarding race... which means most people are friends to our family, otherwise they'd be dead or in prison. Or Scorpius Malfoy."

"Yes, but..." I stopped. There was nothing I could say to argue with that ridiculous logic. It was impossible to argue with James. It was healthier not to bother.

"Anyway,_ that's_my problem. I took one of them out last Saturday, not sure which one, we had a great date etc, etc..."

"So you want me to find out which one?" I asked, feeling exhausted already. It would almost be simple enough to do given I could just get Jan to ask around and listen in the girls toilets until it was mentioned – providing, of course, that Jan was willing.

"No," James said. "Because I'm pretty sure later in the week I made out with the _wrong_one."

I hit my head on the table and groaned. "Surely they communicated?"

"I told both of them not to tell anyone about it – girls love that secret relationship stuff." James grinned, ruffling up his messy hair – the same hair that I shared – and puffed up his shoulders a little more. Arrogant sod.

"Not when you're two timing them."

"Not intentionally!" James exclaimed. "I can't help if they look exactly the same -"

"They_ are_ identical twins." I interrupted. They did look pretty similar and_ I_could only just tell them apart when they were standing next to each other. Jan had pointed the difference out to me, and of course after that I couldn't help but notice it – Jessica Bones and smaller breasts than Becky Bones. I wasn't about to tell James though. He probably spent half his life staring at their chest anyway and I didn't need to give him an excuse to be even more of a prat.

"Which isn't my fault!"

"It's not their fault either."

"Which is why I'm going to sort this out causing everyone the_ least_amount of pain possible."

"Aren't you making_ me_do the sorting out?"

"Well I can hardly do it, can I?" James exclaimed.

"What the hell are you on about?" I asked in frustration. This was just like James. Get himself into some mess or other and expect me to sort it out, even though he spent half of his life getting me into awkward situations and watching me squirm.

"If_ I_start the rumour it will be too obvious – they might work it out. Even if they are in Hufflepuff."

"I'm sorry, _what_rumour?"

"The rumour that you're going to start for me."

"I can't start rumours!" I exclaimed. "I'll be too busy in detention, thanks to you."

"No, no, no – that's the _beauty_of it. You just need to be overheard telling Jan in detention."

"But Jan doesn't _have _a detention."

"She will when Professor Whatzit realised she copied her homework off you."

"She _didn't_copy her homework off me."

"No, but I duplicated your homework wrote her name at the top, broke into his office and took her real homework..." James grinned and looked so ruddy pleased with himself that I wanted to punch him. I wasn't going to, though, because then James would write home about this event, neglecting to mention the fact that the reason I'd punched him was due to some elaborate plan which put both me and my best friend into detention so we could start some stupid rumour. Why was I even surprised? The whole thing had James written all over it.

I also wasn't going to punch him because James was Quidditch captain and thus stronger than me. He would punch back harder. Probably breaking my glasses. I had to protect my pride. I settled for swearing at him and calling him something which he already knew and was proud of, so it had no effect despite my best intentions.

Oh, _sod it._

"What's the rumour?" I asked wearily.

"That I'm secretly dating Patricia Flint."

"How the hell is _that_going to help anything?"

"I'm glad you asked that," James grinned. "It means neither twin will want anything to do with me, without me having actually done anything – which means they can't get too mad or punch me or hex me -"

"– Because two Hufflepuff girls are far too scary for you to take on –"

"And they won't mention it to each other because they'll be embarrassed about me picking Flint over them which means... they won't hate each other and they'll just hate Flint."

"And as Flint is on the Slytherin Quidditch team she's fair game?" I questioned.

"And they probably hate her anyway, stupid bitch." James commented, eyes narrowing. Flint was a perfectly normal female specimen and there was nothing actually wrong with her... except she had quite a large nose and had beaten James's team in Quidditch this year. You weren't supposed to beat the Quidditch team captained by the son of the chosen one. It was bad taste (apparently - personally I thought James was being a tosser, but my opinion was considered irrelevant most of the time). "So, thanks for agreeing to help mate," James grinned clapping me on the shoulder just as the house elf appeared with two plates of treacle tart.

"Not staying?" I questioned.

"Nah," He said. "Quidditch. Anyway, thanks Al, I love you man. Best brother ever." He grinned wrapping his elbow round my neck and grinding his knuckles against my skull painfully. I pushed him off me and rolled my eyes.

"I love you too James," I muttered darkly. "But this is the_ last_ time I'm helping you out." But he'd already gone at that point; disappeared out the kitchens and left me with a double portion of Treacle tart – my favourite. Just enough persuasion for me to _actually _do it. "Next time you're on your own." I muttered.

On the bright side... Jan was going to kill him.

0o0o0o

"Can't believe he dragged me into this," Jan muttered, leaning against the wall and furiously picking the orange varnish off her finger nails. They were beyond chipped now and clashing horribly with the blue ink she'd spilt all over her hands when I'd informed her of James's 'genius' plan. It was permanent and despite making me wait twenty minutes for her to attempt to wash them off in the girls toilets – during which I got many funny looks and several comments about being confused about my gender – the stuff was still clung to her skin. "Can't believe_ you _let him."

I decided not to comment on the injustice of this for my own safety.

Then the door opened and we walked into the detention room glumly. I received a dark look from Professor Whatzit as I took my seat next to Jan. "It's all right for you," Jan hissed. "He's your brother – I'm not even related."

"Yeah," I quipped back, "and I have to put up with him _all_the time." The rest of the poor unfortunate souls with detentions filed into the classroom, unlucky sods. I bloody hated detention; especially when I didn't deserve it.

"Lines," Professor Whatzit instructed. He pointed at me menacingly "_You_, write – I will not make insolent and inappropriate remarks during class."

"I don't think he can spell that," Jan muttered, very audibly. I sent her a look. She just smirked at me.

"20 inches of parchment, I will not copy homework." He snapped in her direction which wiped the smirk right off her lips. I smiled and began writing the pointless line, making a point of spelling every word including 'and' wrong just for my own twisted sense of satisfaction.

"Can't believe him," I muttered twenty minutes in – when my wrist was starting to ache. "Should be writing 'I will not be related to such an audacious prat' not this crap," I whispered in Jan's direction – just like we'd practiced.

Jan swore appreciatively in return and called James something her mother would not like. Everyone in the room was listening to us now. "He's secretly dating Flint as well you know," I said just loud enough for it to be audible. "Rose said she walked in on them half naked in a broom cupboard, still hasn't recovered – poor girl."

"Really?" Jan asked, a little louder this time. "See, I've always thought he was gay." She said, and I was reminded of all the reasons why Jan was my best friend, and why she was so amazing. "I thought he fancied Wood." She said casually. "Don't blame him though, he is _fine_." She added, making a point of turning around and winking at Wood, who was writing 'I will not bring my broom to history of Magic' on his own piece of parchment. He looked slightly disgusted by the idea of James fancying him, but perked up when he caught Jan's eye.

Stupid bastard.

"Silence!" Whatzit yelled banging his fist on the table like the crazy tyrant he is. "Or I'll keep you here till midnight."

I was going to kill James Potter.

"Albie," James grinned, cutting through the middle of me and Jan and wrapping his arms around both of us.

"Piss off," I muttered, pushing his arm of my shoulder and rolling my eyes. I was in a bad mood. I didn't want to deal with James right now.

"Hey now," James said putting a hand to his heart in mock offence. "Be nice."

"I've been in detention all freaking week, and he kept me till midnight most days... and just because _you _don't do any work even though it's your OWL year, it doesn't mean that I'm going to slack off, which means I've been going to bed at three every freaking morning all because you can't tell the difference between a set of identical twins, which you were dating simultaneously!"

"Hey, that wouldn't have been a problem if I could tell them apart." James said. "And about that..."

"What?" I snapped, my fingers closing around my wand in my pocket and my other first clenching – longing to punch him in the face.

"I've been thinking about it, and I'm pretty sure it _was_ the same twin. I was looking the other day and... I don't know if you've ever noticed but Becky has_ huge_..." He gestured around the chest area. "I mean _huge.._."

"I think we got it." Jan snapped, rolling her eyes irritably. She had little patience for James, which was just another reason why she was my best friend and why I loved her.

"And I distinctly remember groping the girl and..." He paused for dramatic effect. "It was _definitely _Becky."

Jan called him something that her mother wouldn't like.

"So..." James said. "I reckon I'm just going to go talk to Becky, tell her that the Flint thing wasn't true –good work on that, by the way, worked a treat." I stared at him blankly. "Although... you don't by any reason no why Wood's been acting a bit strange around me, do you? Nice work by the way, Jan – heard you're going to Hogsmeade next Saturday."

Jan flushed. I clenched my fists a little more.

"Anyway, there Becky is now, bye Jan, bye Albie," James grinned walking away backwards. He pointed at himself, made a heart with his hands then pointed at the two of us, with the classic Weasley/Potter 'thank you so much I'm so thankful' face which naturally only worked on the women of the family. And potentially Jan.

"Your brother needs to man up," Jan commented lightly, linking her arm through mine. I watched as James fluffed up his hair and approached her. "And do you think we should tell him that _that's _Jessica Bones?"

"No," I decided. "Definitely not."

Stupid bastard.


	2. The one with the ployjuice potion

**The Sporadic Suffering and Tiresome Torments of Albus Potter**

**_Chapter t_****_wo: the one with the polyjuice potion._**

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"He's just so... I don't know," Jan said as we walked in the general direction of the grounds to enjoy at least some of the summer sun before the year ended. "I couldn't have gone out with him for any longer – I had to spend _far_too much time with James, anyway, I _missed_you." She said, linking her arm through mine and tossing her hair out of her face. "Sorry, you probably don't want to listen to it."

"Its fine," I answered and it was. I was genuinely curious as to why she'd seen fit to dump Wood (according to Rose he was supposed to be quite attractive. Personally I thought he was a self obsessed jerk who needed to get a life and stop living through Quidditch but, hey, what did I know about these things?), but really I was thankful more than anything else. Anything that took up more of Jan's time than necessary was a pesky nuisance that I wanted rid of. Like one of those annoying flies. Or James.

"Can you believe forth years nearly over?" Jan asked.

"No," I answered quite truthfully. The last couple of weeks had been so full of lessons and James being an absolute prat (no changes there then) that I'd barely felt the time slipping by.

And _that's_when the ball landed in front of me.

It was red, big and very suspicious-looking. Or maybe that was just me. When you're related to James Potter and George Weasley you become slightly suspicious about anything seemingly innocent that falls from the sky. This wariness immediately kicked in and had me edging away from it nervously.

Jan, however, had no such danger instinct and instead stepped forward and picked it up in her hands. Nothing happened for a second, but I didn't let go of my breath, and I watched for a split second. The ball was too plain. Far too unremarkable for it not to have disastrous consequences. "Jan, I wouldn't touch that," I said warily eyeing it suspiciously. I probably should have warned her first. Chivalry isn't my thing, apparently.

"It's just a ball Al," She laughed, spinning it through her fingers with surprising skill.

"But why is it here,"

"Someone must have been playing with it,"

"Then why aren't they coming to collect it?" I asked, "Please, just drop it."

"Don't be such a wimp," Jan said. "Oh, my shoelace, can you just hold this whist I -" But before I had time to reject her request the big red ball and been pressed into my hands. It reminded me of a huge bomb but surely... if nothing had happened now, surely it never would? Still, I lifted it cautiously up to my face and examined it.

"You don't scare me," I muttered, thinking of Jan calling me a wimp (which I wasn't! I was very brave and stuff. I had to be given my unfortunate brotherhood with the infamous James Potter). Then, naturally, the whole thing blew up.

I blinked stupidly sensing something was not quite right, but being unsure what it was. The explosion had been relatively mild – the force of which hadn't even made me trip or fall over (as was normally the case) but there was something slightly off. I felt strangely cool, or...

My hair was lying on the floor.

Sod.

It had fallen onto the grass like a strange wig. Jan turned slowly in her crouching position, where she'd been tying up her shoe laces and gaped at me. I stared at my hair. She stared at me.

I was bald.

She bit her lip, desperately not trying to laugh, and picked up my hair from the floor. I stared at it in a state of shock and then, of course, she burst out laughing.

"Jan, this isn't funny! Someone's blown my hair off, I told you not to touch it," I muttered, letting the remains of the ball – a little bit of red dust – slip through my fingers and onto the grass.

It took Jan a good ten minutes to finally catch her breath and stop with the hysterical laughing – still from her crouching position on the floor, although it seemed she'd laughed so hard she'd fallen back on her arse, and was now sat there with tears streaming down her face. "You're bald!" She exclaimed, struggling to breath. So sympathetic...

"Hilarious." I muttered, taking my hair out of her hands. Then I realised how ridiculous the whole thing was and found my own lips twitching. I lifted my hands up to my head and felt my bald scalp – it was strange to suddenly not have hair, and even stranger that the skin on my skull was completely smooth and very rounded. "Am I one of those people with the hideously misshapen heads?" I asked, running the hand down to the back of my neck in curiosity.

"Just a little round at the back," She answered when she could finally breathe again. "Can I touch it?" She asked, still giggling. I obliged and crouched down to her level. She reached up and ran her hands over my skull, and then burst out laughing all over again. I laughed too this time and sat down on the floor too.

I put my hair on top of her hair and examined her. "Suits you," I commented. "Although... not as much as your own hair."

"Maybe we'll _finally _be able to flatten in," Jan said, taking it off the top of her head and trying to make it lie straight.

"Is that really what my hair looks like from the back?" I asked, and then we were laughing all over again. "I should probably go get it fixed," I said after a good thirty minutes of laughter. "Otherwise it might never go back on,"

"But you're such a good skinhead," She laughed. I stood up and offered her my hand but she'd stopped and was pulling something up out of the grass. "There's a note," She said grimly.

I took it. I grimaced.

_I need your help!_

I scrunched it up and threw it back on the floor. "Let's go get my hair stuck back on," I said joylessly. Knowing James, it would be permanent. "To the hospital wing,"

"To the hospital wing," She repeated and we set off together, her holding my hair in between her fingers.

0o0o0o

"I'm not even going to ask," Rose said as we approached the hospital wing. She was coming out looking thoroughly irritated and for once not carrying a book under her arm. "James is in there," She said. "Wanted me to help him."

"What did you say?" Jan asked. I already knew. Rose was smart.

"I told him to piss off." Rose muttered. "Don't let him drag you into anything, Al, you'll regret it more than you're going to regret that ridiculous haircut when Aunt Ginny sees it," She said darkly, and then she slipped past us and disappeared down the corridor.

"So, James is in the hospital wing?" Jan questioned. "Sly bastard." She added before walking in, throwing my hair from one hand to another as she went. My hair was sort of flying about haphazardly during the 'in air' time, and flopping back down stupidly when it was in her hands... I'd honestly never realised what a mess it was until I actually saw Jan playing with it.

And_that,_right there_,_was the weirdest thing I've ever thought.

I followed Jan in, watching my hair in a bemused this-is-so-weird sort of way, before looking upwards and staring at James. In the hospital bed. With a black eye.

"What happened?" I demanded.

"Lily's got a boyfriend."

"_What?"_I asked, fists clenching.

"She's twelve, she probably won't even touch the bloke," Jan said trying to be reasonable as she stared unsympathetically in James's direction.

"She's too young to have a boyfriend!" I exclaimed.

"And _he's_older."

"By three days!" Jan exclaimed.

"You _knew _about this?" I demanded.

"Of course I did! She asked me what she should wear for a study date on Monday."

"You didn't tell me?"

"She's going behind our backs!" James exclaimed. "Apparently they've had a bit of a thing for almost a week – it has got to be stopped. Next thing we know she'll be walking around in just her underwear charging for -"

"- Don't you think you're being slightly melodramatic?"

"It was almost better when she had that crush on Malfoy," I interjected.

"She still has _that _crush on Malfoy," Jan said in a bored voice. "She's twelve, look, it doesn't matter they're hardly going to do anything more than hold hands."

"No one holds my sister's hand!" James exclaimed, rising up menacingly in the bed covers. I stepped back in alarm. Jan dropped my hair. "No physical contact until marriage!"

Even I thought that was a bit far. Kisses on the cheek were perfectly acceptable (in the correct social situations).

"Why don't you just write to Dad?" I questioned, sitting myself down on the opposite bed and picking up my hair as I did so. I brushed the dust off it lazily. It looked like some deformed yet very hairy puppy. Creepy.

"Erm... Lily threatened to write to Mum about this other thing and er... well, it's not possible, all right."

"Then _I'll _write to Dad, she hasn't got anything on me."

"But then she'll tell Mum anyway!"

"That's not my problem,"

"Gosh," Jan said, sitting beside me and staring at her (currently red) nails. "You guys are _so _mature." We ignored her. She wouldn't understand. She didn't have a little sister.

Well... she did. But that was different. She was her estranged twin. Like... five minutes younger.

"No, think about it Al – if she ever does have anything on you she'll never keep it quite if you rat her out this time. No, Jan's right – we've got to be mature about this. So, anyway, I decided to sort him out myself..."

"- You're not saying that Lily's boyfriend gave you that black eye..." I said slowly. The idea that a thirteen year old did that to James was half amusing and half terrifying. I mean, seriously, how huge was this guy? And if he could beat up James, how there hell were we supposed to blind him (so he could never look at our sister again), and remove all that made him a man (so he wouldn't have any hormones left to think about our sister again) and then humiliate him to the extent that Lily would be ashamed to associate with him – which was the agreed and approved way of dealing with these code red situations.

"No," James said. "That's Lily's boyfriend," He said jerking a thumb in the direction of a lump in a bed three to the left. "This was from _Lily_."

"Oh," I said. Made sense. "So what do you need _m e_for?"

"You've got to agree to it first." I swore at him. "It's for the good of our family? What if Lily got knocked up? Dad would almost certainly die of heart break, how could his precious Lily could do such a thing!? Mum would, most likely, get so mad at her that she'd probably implode or blow up like Great Aunt Marge. You'd blame me for being orphaned because I should have sorted the whole thing out sooner and we'll probably never talk again. Then Lily would be left alone to bring up her bastard child which inevitably she'd be rubbish at because her role model in life ruined her faith in humanity."

"Her role model?"

"Me," James grinned. "And then -"

"Just agree," Jan groaned. "Before this story gets anymore ridiculous."

"Fine, I'll help you." I muttered. "But only if you stick my hair back on,"

"_Done_," James said with a wand flourish. My hair flew out of my hands and then reattached itself to my head with a weird sensation of my skin being sucked to my hair. Then it was reattached. Sorted. "Jan, I'm sorry – you've got to leave. This information is strictly confidential."

Jan called James something that her mother wouldn't like and attempted to pull my hair off again when I made no attempt to protest that Jan stayed. Then she rolled her eyes and stalked out of the hospital wing with her arms folded. Damn. I'd pay for that later.

"She is _feisty_." James commented. I elbowed him. "Okay, so... the thing is, I got a detention for fighting Lily's boyfriend. And I have an OWL exam tomorrow and I haven't exactly started revision yet so..."

"So?" I asked slowly.

"You need to pretend to be me at the _detention _so I can revise."

"How the hell does _that _help the family?"

"I don't get murdered for failing defence OWL?" James suggested. "I don't become a laughing stock for failing the one subject that our father happens to famous for worldwide? I won't become the joke of a relative who actually fails at the _one _thing our parents really care about? Can you imagine Dad's face if -" There was genuine anxiety in his voice. The kind of anxiety I hadn't heard since the night before his first day at Hogwarts where he crept into my bedroom and confessed that he was terrified everyone would be disappointed in him. It made me slightly uncomfortable.

This is possible the closest we'd ever gotten to a conversation about feelings. Awkward.

"Okay," I said quickly. "Okay, but... how exactly am I going to _pretend _to be you?"

"Polyjuice potion." The grin in his eye was slightly manic. "I know," James said. "I'm a _genius_." I stared at him. "I tried to get Rosie to make some but she wasn't having any of it, but that's all right. If all else fails, I'll make some."

"James you do know it takes at _least _a month to brew?"

His face fell and I almost felt bad for breaking his happiness. Still, save me some seriously trouble. I made a note to buy Rose some flowers or some high heels (because she was sensitive about her lack of height) or something.

"It's okay, I'll get some somewhere." He said waving this away. Damn it. "So you'll do it?" He questioned.

"Sure," I said half heartedly. "Of course."

"I love you man, best brother in the world – seriously." He declared clapping me on the back and squinting at me through his black eye.

"I love you too," I sighed. "But seriously, this is the last time. Next time – you're on your own."

0o0o0o

"Why doesn't he just _skip _the detention?" Jan questioned as we waited in the boys toilets for James to arrive with the vial of potion. He had suggested venturing into Moaning Myrtle's bathroom so that it was more authentic to dad's and Uncle Ron and Aunt Hermione's famed experience with the stuff (I was beginning to think that James just wanted an excuse to attempt to 'out do' them), but this had been shot down when Jan reminded us what had happened last time we'd tried to socialise with Myrtle. It had not been pretty.

"Don't ask me about how his mind works,"

"_You _share his genes."

"Not by choice," I muttered just as one of the seventh year Ravenclaws came out one of the toilets and gave Jan the dirtiest look I could have imagined. She called him something her mother probably wouldn't like and made a rude hand gesture that her mother _definitely _wouldn't like.

"What is _with _people?" She asked sighing deliberately.

"I honestly have no idea," I replied, humouring her.

"Don't worry guys!" James yelled from the doorway nearly dropping and spilling the potion all over the floor which would have almost been a relief. Except knowing James he would have expected me to lick it off the floor so it was probably for the best. Still. "I've added the hair." He grinned, pressing the bottle into my hand.

Jan and I unanimously leaned over it and looked at in ominously. It was a muddy green colour that did not look edible. In fact it looked like someone had bottled their own vomit and added food colouring for that extra delicious look. I sniffed it. It smelt even worse. I shuddered back from it feeling repulsed.

"You expect me to drink that?"

"Seriously Al," Jan said – her hand on my shoulder – "do not drink that."

"You promised," James said, "Come _on _Albie,"

Jan shook her head. James used the world famous Wesley/Potter begging eyes that I was complete immune too. Out of the two Jan was definitely the most persuasive, still... I had agreed to help James and...

"I can't fail Defence," He practically begged that time. "Can you image what a joke I'd be?"

"I have to," I told Jan. She shrugged knowing that I was right. I had no choice. James was right – he could not fail Defence. It would be the singular most embarrassing thing that could ever happen to him. "Just... who brewed it?" I asked James, swirling the liquid round the bottle and swallowing. What would it _taste _like?

"I went to Uncle George's premises – he always has some and that assistant girl, the one who fancies me, gave me some for three sickles."

"Three sickles!?"

"Three sickles and an autograph..." James said. He waved it away in mock modesty. His smugness was impossible. "Anyway it's George's private stash, so honestly – it will work." I brought it to my lips and looked to Jan for support.

"It's your grave," She muttered. So I brought it to my lips and forced myself to swallow the whole thing. About half way through I was sure that I was going to throw it up but by some amazing feat I managed to keep all of it down and carry on swallowing. I am sure that thanks to James being involved in my childhood, I have an extraordinary gag reflex.

I took a deep breath the second I'd finished. I choked for a few seconds and grimaced. God that was vile.

"That is some _disgusting _shit." I muttered. "Water." I said and Jan quickly obliged by washing out the bottle and refilling it. I downed it and shuddered.

"I've got you some larger robes and some glasses." James grinned.

"Oh sod off, my robes will fit _fine_. You're not that much bigger than me."

"Now Al, it's going to be strange to actually have some muscles, you won't know your own strength." I swore at him. He laughed at me.

"Shouldn't it have started working by now?" Jan pointed out with her bored flat expression that I was so used to seeing.

"Yeah, that's a point," I said reaching up to feel my face to find that it was exactly the same as normal. I felt for my hair too just because I'd been ever so slightly more self-conscious about if falling off since the earlier incident. "Maybe the books just don't mention the antagonising long wait before it kicks in." I said. "And dad skipped it out the story to make the whole thing more exciting," I said with a laugh as I looked up at James.

His face had fallen.

"James," I said quietly. "What did you do?"

"I... I just, it only lasts for an hour, so I thought if I added a bit more hair and a little bit more, erm...Knotgrass ."

I stared at him, forcing myself into a state of false calm as I stared at my complete idiot of a brother. I would not yell. I would not kill him because –

Jan definitely would.

"YOU ABSOLUTE...!" Jan yelled, grabbing him by the collar and pushing him fiercely against the sink. "You better be glad we're not in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, because if we were I'd have thrown you down the chamber of secrets already. How could you do that? You could have killed him! HELL, you still could!?" Then she said a load more things that neither of her parents would even imagine were in their little princess's vocabulary, which I heard daily and which James probably heard even more regularly. It reminded me just how much I loved her.

Then I suddenly felt very sick and I dived for the boys toilets and groaned. "That's some _nasty _knotgrass." I muttered. Then I heaved but found myself unable to throw up.

"You're a douche James!" I yelled. Jan bent down next to me patting on my shoulder consolingly. Always good at emotional support, Jan.

"Oh shit, Al, I feel terrible." James said edging towards the door. "Honestly – I feel _really _bad, but... I've got to go to this detention. So erm... good luck!" And then the door shut behind him. I slumped down on the floor. Jan sat next to me. I heaved again, still nothing.

"What's going to happen, do you reckon?" I questioned. "Because I still haven't changed into James so... I'm not really sure what's...?"

"I know what's going to happen," Jan said, resting her head on my shoulder. "You're going to be here throwing up all night, possibly having some wacky and weird side effects, and James is going to go to his detention and still ace is Defence exam tomorrow morning which renders the whole thing pointless and then _after all this_, James is going to screw something else up and get you to fix it. And you'll agree." She said.

I threw up.

"I suspect it's going to be a long night."

0o0o0o0o

"Toast Al?" Mum asked, placing the plate down in front of me without waiting for my response. It was too early in the morning for me to respond anyway. The most effort I would have made was a strange grunting noise. "James?" She asked, placing another plate in front of his half dead figure at the breakfast table.

"Mum!" Lily called, skipping down the stairs two at a time (why? Why was she so freaking awake? It was like seven in the bladdy morning!). "Hogwarts letters!" She said pointing out the window where three Owls were approaching at a fast pace. I vaguely stared at their ever sharpening silhouettes.

I missed Jan.

"Hogwarts letters _or _more letters for dad about some Auror thing." James muttered with his face half full of toast. "Like the past three mornings." He added. The idiot was right. I dropped my gaze and stared at my toast. Was it worth the energy of picking it up..?

"James," Mum reprimanded rolling her eyes and getting Lily some toast of her own. "It won't be from the office, it's a Saturday."

"Like that makes a difference," I added blearily. I blamed Jam for this. If she hadn't written to me at half one then the three hour long letter marathon wouldn't have happened. I'd tell her that. When she replied to my last letter.

"Speaking of which," She continued – ignore my interjection as if it never happened – "Where is your father? It's the _summer holidays _and he promised that this weekend he'd..."

"He's in bed," Lily said. "He was muttering something about a veil,"

"Ah," Mum said, "Well," And then she disappeared up the stairs. We exchanged glances; none of us really understanding the significance of the veil but assuming it was one of _those _dreams that he never wished to talk about and we weren't allowed to make fun of.

"It's definitely the letters this time," Lily said with far too much excitement. "Look," And we did look, just to appease her and she was almost definitely right. "Aren't you excited James? You're going to get your results!"

"Oh yeah," James said his face fell slightly. He almost looked worried "Hey, Al, you remember that Defence exam thing?" I nodded. How could I forget? After half an hour of retching into a toilet I'd got stuck in transit between being me and being James, and had to spend the entire night locked in the boys toilets waiting to be right again. Jan had sat there complaining for five hours straight, painted my nails when I fell into a feverish sleep, then refused to tell me how the hell you got nail varnish off. And it was bloody pink.

"Well, funny thing is when I got to the detention Professor Whatzit was like 'As you've got a potions exam in the morning I'll let you off detention' turned out my Defence exam wasn't till the following week! Didn't want to tell you though, I figured you'd be pissed – it's all in the past now though, right?"

"Did you at least revise for the exam?" Lily asked her face creased into disapproval and confusion (considering she was completely ignorant of our polyjuice adventures). She wasn't the only one who bleeding disapproved. I'd had to walk around with pink nails for four days when my begging had finally paid off and Dom had given me some weird potion that smelt of paint stripper. Jan had then convinced me that I had to drink it. There were some advantages to having some many bloody cousins, and one of those was that Rose stopped me before I started drinking (although Jan still claims she wouldn't have _actually _let me) and told me that apparently you use it to rub the varnish off. You learn something new every day.

"No," James laughed, standing up to let the owls through the window. They were Hogwarts letters. James casually opened his envelope and laughed. "Hey, look – I got an O!"

Stupid bastard.

* * *

_Two chapters down, thirteen to go! I'd love to know what you thought and the like :)_


	3. The one with the Hogwarts Express

My robes were uncomfortably tight as we reached the platform and I almost wished I'd given into Mum's nagging and had gotten some new robes fitted... but she always insisted on buying some with 'growing room' which meant that I was going to be walking around drowning in my robes like a naive first year. I had thought that_ too_ small was better than too big. I was a fool.

Anyway, it wasn't like my height had increased all that much (although mum was adamant that I was just about to hit a growth spurt and was probably going to be as lanky as Uncle Ron, which I wasn't sure was a good thing. Hugo then added 'or maybe even as lanky as Rose' which had caused Rose – who has become sensitive about her astronomical height – to throw 'Hogwarts: A history' which had caused an out and out argument at the annual Wesley barbeque. If there's one rule in the Wesley-Granger household it is do not disrespect books, especially books as sacred and precious as 'Hogwarts: A history,' This only reaffirmed by belief that I did not want to grow to fantastical heights like Rose, but a little extra height – just enough to put me above James – was completely welcome). The problem was I'd been so bored I'd started playing Quidditch with the rest of them. As a beater which, for some reason, is the position no one wants. So, as Nana Weasley kept lamenting, rather embarrassingly, I'd 'filled out'.

This basically meant I now had muscles. This really meant that James could no longer get away with murder because I had the ability to stand up for myself. This meant that it was _definitely_ going to be a good year.

"Al!" Jan exclaimed, leaving her parents and her sister to throw her arms around my by way of greeting. All I caught a glimpse of as she came flying at me was that she'd changed her hair colour, gotten a tan and – for some reason – was looking a little bit too attractive.

And there go my hopes for the year being good.

~~BREAK~~

I couldn't quite put my finger on it but there was something slightly different about the way Jan was holding herself. The change in her hair wasn't_ that_ different it had just turned a little lighter during her holiday in Florida and the tan wasn't the big difference either. It was her face – she seemed to have grown up a little and looked less like a kid and more like...

Would saying a woman be too cheesy even for internal thoughts? I think it might be.

She'd done the opposite of me and instead of filling out (although she had a little – not that I was trying to look, because I really wasn't. Jan's my best friend after all) but she'd definitely grown. She was about the same height as me.

I decided I _definitely_ wanted to be as lanky as Uncle Ron.

Anyway, the point was – it wasn't like she'd suddenly become more attractive, because she'd always been nice-looking it was just... I'd noticed it. And I wasn't enjoying it.

Instead I was going to blame it on the lack of females that weren't related to me all summer (although most of them had invited friends over at some point during the week and no matter what our female cousins protest – their friends are_ not_ off limits.) I'd just have to look at someone else or something.

"Where's James?" Rose asked from the compartment doorway, sighing as she sat herself down on the bench next to Jan – opposite me. I shrugged. "School's only started ten minutes ago and he's already up to something with Freddie – I can tell – and Malfoy's already being even more an idiot than last year,"

"On the bright side," Jan grinned. "He has grown _a lot_ over summer." Rose didn't comment on this so I supposed there must be a fair element of truth to her statement. Jan didn't fancy him though, did she? And would this mean that Lily's little crush would continue to fester and ruin our lives with its stupid presence? Dad had practically choked when Lily had said something slightly too flattering about his Quidditch playing (given James had been detailing how he'd lost due to a mixture of the Slytherins cheating, blackmail and Veela for the hundredth time that summer). She'd blushed visibly at the same time, which had hardly helped her cause, but it was more than obvious in her 'would-be-casual' tone as she commented on how 'strong' he was.

There was nothing all that great about Malfoy though, was there? He was too pale and blonde. And creepy. Malfoy was creepy. "Seriously though, where _is _James? We could actually do something now, you know Al – now that we're prefects." I inwardly cringed. "Speaking of which, do you think we should be patrolling or something?"

"No," Jan said pulling out a pot of nail varnish from her bag and beginning to paint them electric blue. "Don't leave me on my own; I haven't seen any of you for three weeks. You've all changed! Rose you've got all tall and Albus has turned into the hulk and Malfoy's gotten pretty attractive, and to be quite frank – even James is looking _relatively_ appealing." Both Rose and I stared at her blankly. "What? I've been stuck with my parents and my sister practically all summer, and I do have eyes you know and he suits being all tan and with the new hair..."

"You fancy him." Rose accused looking mildly sick. I was feeling more nauseous than I had done after sampling James's polyjuice potion experiment, or that time when he decided to make me a birthday cake and force-fed it to me until I eventually turned blue and had to be taken on an emergency trip to St Mugos. And _that_ was saying something.

"Oh come off it," She said. "I haven't completely lost my mind, he's still a..." but we never got to hear the end of that sentence because we'd all just noticed that we were slowing down and pulling into Hogsmeade station. Then, the second we stopped there was a loud explosion and the train shook violently. "What was that?" Jan demanded, grabbing hold of my arm tightly.

"I don't know," Rose said darkly. "But I'd bet my prefect badge that James had something to do with it."

~~BREAK~~

I was pretending to listen the speech, because I felt I should at least pretend with the esteemed, and embarrassing, prefect badge pinned to my chest like a giant 'KICK ME' sign. As James continually reminded me even _Dad_ wasn't a prefect and he was – according to James – 'a suck up' which isn't really how I'd define the whole friendship thing he had going on with Albus Dumbledore, but that's James for you.

Jan was finishing off painting her nails with that familiar bored expression on her features. Rose was actually listening (_'of course Rose is a prefect, both her parents were – it runs in the genes' however for you to be a prefect? That's shameful mate. Shameful.'_). I wasn't particularly interested in where anyone else was.

"_Watch out!"_ Jan exclaimed suddenly, her gaze fixed just above my head.

I looked up and found myself face to face with a levitating Chicken's arse.

Then it ceased to be levitating and dropped onto my face with a loud squawk. My mouth was partly open due to the shock of the event and thus my mouth became very familiar with the chicken's tail feathers for a short period of time before I managed to choke enough that the chicken was dislodged fell of my face and onto the table – where the dinner had just arrived.

The normal talk and chatter that accompanied the arrival of dinner had not come and instead everyone was staring at me and my battle with the chicken. It made a very loud shrieking noise and then set off running – stepping in several dishes and loosing feathers in some of the others – and I decided that there was no way in hell I was going chase after the thing. It wasn't mine, after all, it had just appeared.

And it wasn't particularly hard to guess from where...

"There's a note." Jan muttered darkly, confirming all my worse suspicions and making my heart drop uncomfortably in my chest.

"I'm not reading it now," I said. "Everyone's looking," And then I helped myself to as much food as I could to eradicate the disgusting yet distinctive taste of a chickens arse. And lots of pumpkin juice. Lots.

"Hi Albus," Jenny Bell said in that slightly scary almost cat-like purring way of hers. I nodded at her distractedly but paused when I noticed something dramatically different. She'd dyed her hair. Blonde, I assumed. I couldn't stop looking at her. I was more than alarmed.

Her hair was_ actually_ yellow. Sunshine daises and Hufflepuff yellow. I'm not even kidding. It looked like a primary school kid had attempted to colour her hair in blonde but only had a limited pallet of block colours. Bright yellow. Spectacularly odd.

And I was still staring at her. She smiled a strange and alarming smile. I looked down quickly, my eyes wide. Her hair was yellow. Yellow. Who would dye their hair _yellow_?

Oh crap. She probably thought I fancied her now. I wasn't sure if I was capable of fancying someone with yellow hair. I'd just get really confused looking at her and be reminded of that time James had convinced me that the sorting hat had confided in him and told him specifically that I was either going to be in Slytherin or Hufflepuff. For the next three months all my dreams had been in haunting shades of fluorescent yellow and sap green. I inwardly shuddered and busied myself with my plate.

"The note," Jan said nudging me after the chicken had been vanished for a good ten minute (by some quick thinking member of staff) and everyone – including Jenny Bell – had lost interested in my activities. I slipped it under the desk already knowing and dreading the words that were sure to be written, in that familiar messy handwriting.

_I need your help! _

~~BREAK~~

"Let me get this straight," Jan said with an expression of pure disgust on her nice features. It was an expression I'd definitely missed over summer, and served as I reminder to why she was my best friend and why I loved her. "You blew up the Hogwarts express."

"Only part of it!" James exclaimed irritably. "I don't know why everyone's making such a big deal out of it, we thought it all through – we even set off a dung bomb first so that everyone would clear off. No one was hurt!"

"Oh well that's considerate of you," Jan said sarcastically. "Although I suppose it does explain the smell."

"You could have killed someone," I said frowning at my brother who had most definitely gone way to far this time.

"You sound like Dad," He muttered standing up and pacing across the room edgily. Ah. They'd spoken to them then. That would explain his irritable mood and complete lack of humour about the whole thing. "It was just a prank... I didn't realise the explosion would be so _big_."

"You blew off two carriages!" Jan exclaimed. "Where did you even get the bomb? Actually, don't even answer. This is stupid. There's no way Albus is going to help you after you've done such a stupid and idiotic thing, is there Al? There's no way!"

Did Jan really fancy James? And did she really think that Malfoy was good looking?

I ignored her.

"What did Mum say?"

"Nothing." James snapped, folding his arms and resuming his pacing. My eyes widened. Silent treatment – from Mum? That was madness. Unheard of. She loved to shout. I could barely imagine her speechless. "Dad made up for it though," James said. He looked as if he was about to punch something. Hopefully not me.

"And if you're so very upset about the whole thing, how did you manage to tie a note to a levitating chicken?" Jan muttered in a voice that quite clearly conveyed she was extremely pissed off and knew she had a very good point.

"That was Freddie," James said. "Angelina and George had just gone so I asked him to deliver a message to you; he claims he couldn't find an owl. _His_ parents saw the funny side at least."

"This isn't just about Mum and Dad, is it?" I asked warily.

"No." James said clenching his fists. "I've got detention every Saturday until Christmas and if I miss a single one she said she'll expel me." Even Jan couldn't think of anything to say to that. We both stared at him in silence. He'd _definitely_ stepped over the line this time.

Blowing up the Hogwarts Express? So not cool.

"So," James said, "I need your help."

"There's no way he's getting you out of detention this time Potter, you deserve it."

"No," James agreed. "I've got to attend every one – that's fair. I mean... I can do that. There's just one problem and I'm going to need both of you to help."

"What?" I asked.

"_Quidditch_."

Jan swore having just realised exactly the problem with this. James was our Quidditch captain and star chaser. Quidditch matches were on Saturday. James could not miss a detention. We could not lose at Quidditch after last year's awful defeat to Slytherin. It wasn't an option. We had to win.

"The team are going to be hard to win over," James continued. "But I reckon when I tell them about the substitutes they'll be all right with it."

"Substitutes?"

"For me and Freddie." James said slowly.

"I got that bit," Jan muttered. "But who are the substitutes?"

"Isn't it obvious?" James grinned.

I groaned and turned to Jan with a grimace. "_We_ are the substitutes."

~~BREAK~~

"If you fancy her you should just ask her out," Jan snapped.

"I do not fancy her!" I exclaimed turning to her in mild horror. I wasn't sure where exactly she'd gotten such a ridiculous and stupid notion into her head. There was no way... my gaze slipped back towards the back of her head. Such a bizarrely bright shade of yellow.

"Then why do you keep staring at her?" She hissed.

"Her hairs hypnotising!" I whispered back, purposefully trying to talk as quietly as possible so that she couldn't eavesdrop. I didn't want to insult the girl or anything, but it was honestly the brightest shade of yellow I'd ever seen. Brighter than the sun, maybe. Definitely brighter than any Hufflepuff although... that wasn't hard, they were a dim lot.

Jan rolled her eyes and glanced at her thoroughly chewed nails. That meant she was stressed about something. I wasn't going to ask though, if she wanted me to know – she'd tell me.

"So," I said because the conversation had just got awkward. "Quidditch match on Saturday,"

"Hmm." She returned beginning to write notes for the first time since that beauty potion incident last year. She must be mad. I wasn't all together sure why she was mad at me though. She was probably just PMSing.

"We've been practicing for weeks, what do you think – we're in for a shot?"

"I'm probably the best chaser Gryffindor has." Jan said dipping her quill in her purple ink pot, deliberately not looking at me. I frowned at her. As true as it was – Jan was a brilliant chaser and would most definitely be on the team next year, if not this year (James didn't like one of the chaser's anyway, so I wouldn't put it past him to chuck that guy off) – but Jan was always a little more humble than that. Even if she knew she was good, which normally she is and does, she doesn't voice it.

I wasn't a bad beater but I wasn't half as good as Freddie had been, still... it was almost too good to be true that I'd started playing in that position only that summer. It was almost like James had designed it. Still, he'd never go _that_ far.

"Probably the best chaser in the school." Her lips twisted a bit. "But don't tell James I've said that."

"James has been quiet recently," Jan said, turning to me with her eyes raised. "I mean... its October and... he's only asked you for help once."

"Still, it's sort of an ongoing thing," I muttered. "And he can't do anything else – he'll get expelled."

"You don't think that... that he's grown up a little?" Jan suggested. I was suddenly reminded of Jan's comments on the first day back. I turned away from her and continued looking at the back of Jenny Bell's head thoughtfully.

"Do you think that maybe... you _want_ to think he's grown up a little?" I suggested.

"I do not fancy James Potter!" She hissed angrily.

"I mean, he blew up the Hogwarts express,"

"I don't fancy James!"

"I mean, I don't mind if you do – whatever, although it would be a bit weird, considering he's my brother and everything -"

"I fancy someone else." Jan interrupted, flushing and folding her arms over her chest. "Someone who can be a bit like James, on occasions." Who was a bit like James? I questioned half turning back to the front, catching sight of Jenny Bell's bizarre hair and finding my gaze stuck to it again. It was just so... yellow.

"Do you think her hair looks even more yellow when the suns not out?" I asked, squinting at it to see if it made any difference. I didn't much.

Jan swore and called me something her mother wouldn't like. "What is your bloody obsession?! I know she's blonde and has large -"

"_Jan_!" I exclaimed, gesturing at where she was sat – mere centimetres away.

"I don't get what's so great about her."

"Nothing, I mean, I don't -"

"I know she's blonde and everything but -"

"Yes, blonde is good but -"

"Well if you fancy her so much -"

"Her hairs yellow!" I hissed. "It looks like she showers in food colouring!"

"Jenny!" Jan said, and the yellow hair freak turned around and smiled at both of, making a point of blinking at me stupidly. It made her slightly repulsive. I didn't help that she had so much mascara on it looked like it was taking physical effort to hold her eyelids up – maybe that was why she kept opening and shutting them? I resisted the urge to shudder. "You know Albus is playing as beater on Saturday," I flushed slightly wondering what the hell Jan was playing at. I also noticed that Jenny's eyebrows were a normal brown colour, and not yellow. Actually, in this light... there was a slight green tinge. Had she intended for this to happen? "Do you want to go out with him on the weekend after next?"

Wait. What? _What?_

"Sure," She said with a smile, before turning round to face the front again.

"There," Jan muttered shoving her books and parchment and shit in her bag violently before stalking out of the room and leaving me sat there wondering how the hell I was supposed to sit through a whole date with Jenny Bell and not ask her what she'd done to offend her hairdresser. Or start making yellow-related comments or something else that could possible offend her.

And why the hell had Jan asked her out for me?

"What time are we meeting?" Jenny asked, her yellow hair falling round her face like some monster on a seriously budgeted horror movie. It was genuinely terrifying. But, this was it – this was my chance to get out. To get rid of this whole date with the yellow-haired-monster.

"Erm, ten," I said. "Can't wait." I added – lying through my teeth – before running out after Jan fully intending to spy on her and work out whoever this 'a bit like James' idiot was so I could display how strong my new muscles were. Stupid bastard.

~~BREAK~~

"Nervous?"

"Never." Jan said, leaning on my shoulder and grabbing hold my Quidditch robes with so much strength that the creases would probably be permanent, even if Nana Wesley attempted to iron it (she is the_ ultimate_ironer – the speed and precision is immense).

"Right," I half laughed looking out at the other members of the team who were talking game tactics or something or other that we weren't quite involved with yet. "What are we going to do with our time after this is over?"

"Probably help James out with his next hair-brained scheme until one or more of us are dead. Personally... I'm hoping its James." I laughed again and took a deep breath. I wondered if James was ever this nervous before big games. And if he was, why would he subject himself to this slow form of torture? Surely there was no enjoyment to be found from a situation when the whole school (bar the six other slytherin students that weren't on the team – the house had been so unpopular since the war) were depending on you to kick their arses.

I didn't do kicking arses not even with my crazy Prefect powers. I left that to Rose who managed to abuse her Prefect powers just enough so that people respected her and would only talk about how much of bitch she was in very low voices that only their best-friend-for-ever could here. Personally, I think it's her height.

"I'm always nervous before games," James said strolling into the changing rooms and offering the others a thumbs up before walking over to us. "Hey,"

"You should be in detention," I said warily. He sat himself down between us, throwing an arm around each of our necks and patting us on the backs.

"It's all right, Whatzit said as I'd been really good recently so I could have ten minutes to go talk to me team. No, that's a lie – and you both know it – I locked him on the toilet. I'll let him out when I'm back and pretend I haven't been gone, it'll be fine. I had to come talk to you guys," He said pulling our heads in closer for a more intimate chat. "I just wanted to thank you, really, I mean – I don't know where I'd be without you guys and there is most _definitely_ a place for you on the team next year if you want it,"

"Nah," I said, "Freddie and Bode are much better than I am,"

"Yeah," James nodded. "You stick to your prefect duty, that's enough for you to handle and you've got your hands full at the minute, if you know what I mean." He finished with a wink.

"I don't."

"Jenny Bell?" James said with a grin. "Although I thought you said her hair gives you nightmares. Although, to be fair, I don't blame you – that stuff is _vibrant_. It looks like that cheep butter. Weird." He said shaking his head and looking comically confused. "And Jan, what's happening with you and Wood? I hear you're going to Hogsmeade next Saturday?"

"Hmm." Jan said, looking up at where Wood was throwing water at Bode.

"Not sure I approve of inter-team dating..." James said seriously. "And I thought you dumped him because he tried to push you to..." He waggles his eyebrows suggestively. I inwardly cringed and outwardly had to fight the urge to make sure Wood could never ride a broomstick ever again. "And you've gone blonde! What are all these changes!?"

"It's not really blonde," Jan said lifting a hand to her head self-consciously. "I mean... it was pretty blonde before and now it's just... more so."

"Thanks, anyway," James said, making a point of turning to me and punching me (hard) on the shoulder. "I love you man," James grinned. "Best brother ever."

"Yeah yeah," I muttered. "Love you too, but next time – you're on your own." James grinned before standing up again.

"Well, good luck team," James said clapping us on the shoulder. "I better return to detention." He stopped at the doorway, turning to the whole team and looking very seriously at all of them. "If you don't win I'm going to ask Dad to undo his hocus-pocus and set Voldermort on your arses, bitches! Then you'll regret not killing yourself to get the snitch! Regret not lying down on that broom to go that bit faster! Regret not stretching that bit further! Regret not hitting that bit harder! And you know why? Because Voldermort had a really annoying stupid laugh – and it's really going to pisss you off. Think about it." He tapped his head for effect. Then he bowed and sprinted off in the direction of the castle.

Stupid bastard.


	4. The one with the girlfriend troubles

There were benefits to having a girlfriend but these were definitely not outweighed by having your eyes permanently blinded by the sheer vibrancy of your girlfriend's yellow hair. She needed to go. I was blind enough already.

Only I'd never dumped anyone before and considering I hadn't exactly asked her out – mostly because I hadn't wanted to – and as Jan had done it for me (which apparently Jenny said was 'sweet' which was another reason why I had to get rid as quickly as possible. I was taller than James. I had muscles now. I was sixteen. I didn't want to be 'sweet')... I wasn't really sure how you did these things.

I really needed to ask Jan but she'd been conspicuous only in the lack of herself since our fabulous victory and the awkward victory party in which Jenny decided we were 'dating' and snogged me. It was quite a scaring experience actually. But I found that when kissing her I could close my eyes and not look at her ridiculous hair. Last time I'd talked to Jan I'd asked her about her relationship with Wood, and if James had been right... and then she'd disappeared and Rose said that she was mad at me for ignoring her. Which I wasn't.

I could ask Rose, I supposed, but considering her hair was as red as Jenny's was yellow I wasn't sure if Rose would be sympathetic to my reasons as to why she must be dumped immediately. I'd almost asked James, but I wasn't _that_desperate and it turned out he'd accidently helped me on that front by writing to mum.

I'd received the letter this morning at breakfast and I had made a point to knock James's pumpkin juice down front (with magic, of course) after I'd read the first line.

_Albus, _

_James says that you have a girlfriend now. He also says that her hair is yellow although I am sure that's just boy speak for blonde. Still, I always thought of you as more of a brunette type. Anyway, Al, just keep us updated – you don't write to us enough. We want to be involved with your life. Your father too. We miss you. _

_Mum_

I was now beginning to feel the benefits of James ratting out the details of our lives to our parents because now I could reply expressing my deep rooted hatred of my girlfriends hair and asking mum what that hell I should do. I needed to dump her without hurting her feelings. Mum would know. Dad would be useless. Mum though... she knew about this stuff. No doubt she'd been training Lily, which is why she had an unnatural amount of guys interested in her. Not that any would dare come too close. Like I said – I had muscles now...and James had always been scary (apparently).

_Her hair __is__ yellow mum, it's awful. Honestly it's physically painful to be in the same room with her for a long length of time – I'm almost certain it's the radiation leaking through and I will probably slowly dye because of the reactivity of its yellowness. It looks like the sun is shining out of her head, and I don't mean that in an endearing or cute manner at all. It's strange. I think it reflects off my glasses so I get double the glare because no else has this issue. I've taken to squinting at her when we talk. _

_I've also started having nightmares about her hair coming alive and strangling me. It genuinely terrifies me. It's the same colour as your washing up gloves. Marigold – that's what it is. Except sometimes it looks slightly green, like snot. I can't stand it. It makes me feel nauseous. I'm not even sure what the rest of her face looks like because I'm so distracted by the yellowness. _

Then I heard a familiar laughter behind me and looked up to find that Jan was reading my letter over my shoulder and seemed to be dying of hysterical laughter, the likes of which I hadn't heard since James jinxed my hair off. "You've just written a whole page about her hair!" She spluttered, pulling herself a seat out and throwing herself into the seat next to me. "A whole page!" She exclaimed and then she was laughing again.

"How do I dump her Jan!?" I said desperately putting my hands to my head. I attempted pulling it out to show my frustration – but thanks to James I knew that bald didn't suit me. Hey, no one can say he hasn't helped me at some point during my long years of life. "I mean – how..."

And that's when the bookshelf came flying towards my face.

Why the hell had I chosen to write the letter in the library, I don't know, but... it was just where I always went to write letters. It seemed the natural place. At least until a bookcase started flying in your direction and you become convinced that you are going to die. My whole life flashed in front of my eyes – most of it involving incidents that James had manufactured and created just to piss me off, or Jan being mad at me for reasons I didn't understand, or Jan being mad at James for reasons I totally understood.

The book shelf stopped tilting at a 45 degree but staying bizarrely stationary. Several books flicked open and on them were letters that appeared to have been tacked onto the middle pages...

Jan looked at me. I looked at her. "James." We said, as the last book opened and spelled out the words I knew meant another misguided adventure.

_Help me!_

X

"I don't know why you're dragging _me_into this," Jan complained, her arm comfortably linked through mine. "He'll probably just kick me out and say it's private anyway." I ignored that comment completely – although this probably wasn't the best way to win Jan over after a whole month of the near-silence treatment. I reconsidered.

"I want you around," I said eventually – hoping this would spark up happy-good feelings that wouldn't make her disappear again. She smiled and seemed pretty chuffed by that comment, so I decided it had worked. I reached out and tickled the pear before stepping into the kitchens and...

It was like a Wesley family reunion. Rose waved us over with a disgruntled expression on her face. Freddie offered me the thumbs up from somewhere way over to my left... Hugo was there, sat with Lily... and Dom was there – which was something, because Dom never got involved in anything. Louis was sat with Molly. Lucy... Roxanne... and various other people, who seemed to have tagged along, like Jan.

"Don't ask me what's going on," Rose complained. "Apparently he's called upon the whole family this time."

"You could just leave?" Jan suggested sliding into the seat next to her. Despite Rose and Jan being friends and roommates... about every month they both got extremely irritated at each other and both started bitching, whining and generally being unpleasant too each other. Then something would happen and they'd go back to their normal cheery selves... so I assumed it was just one of those weeks.

I gave up trying to understand the female race after that one argument (which apparently wasn't an argument) when Jan had ended up yelling that it was 'all Rose's fault' and then Rose had sworn at me and told me to keep my 'oversized glasses-perch out of her business' then they'd had a slight cat fight – including hair pulling, hexing and a broken nail. And James had arrived with popcorn.

Then I gave up trying to understand James.

"But... Well, it is intriguing, isn't it?" Rose asked.

"Too right," Freddie grinned, sitting on the table with his usual lopsided grin. He made a point of wrapping his arm around Jan – which she shrugged off – even though I was entirely sure that the awkward looking (pretty) blonde girl had arrived with him. "Ever since the Hogwarts Express incident he's been as good as gold – creepy really. The other day I saw him coming out the library."

"Bullocks," Dom said, turning round and joining in our conversation. "James Potter? In the library? He must have been pulling something."

"No," Freddie shook his head. "That's what _I_ thought, so me and Chan," he said nodding to the blonde girl who smiled and gave him a little wave – Freddie always managed to have some girl or other. He claimed it was a delicate mixture of being 'famous but not too famous' and having a decent sense of humour. Thus James had proved he had a sense of humour by permanently sticking a fake moustache (god knows where he got it) onto my glasses for a whole week. "Stayed in there for quite some time – _nothing_. Anyway, you should know Dom – your lot are the ones so interested in the library."

She lifted up a middle finger in his direction. "This is Carl Dobbs, by the way," she said gesturing towards the tall male that was sitting next to Dom staying unnaturally silent.

"You better look after my sister," Louis said, wondering over and fixing him with his best glare. He had guts, you had to admit – her boyfriend was huge. He nodded slowly.

"Bit of a talker," Freddie said in my ear. "I wonder how Dom gets a word in edge ways?" Which apparently Dobbs had heard, because he turned – just as slowly – to fix his gaze on Freddie. Still remaining completely silent. Creepy.

"Where's your girlfriend Al?" Freddie grinned, nudging my shoulder with enough force that I half fell off the bench.

"Elsewhere," I muttered darkly.

"Hey, look," Lucy said, catching all our attention, "The entire Quidditch team are here!" Jan looked up at that, stood up and made a point of going over to her – gag – boyfriend, Wood. He snogged her a little too enthusiastically and had a minor case of the wondering hands. He was worse than _James._

For some reason everyone's gaze travelled from Jan's awkward snog session to me, where I was keeping my lips tight shut so the stream of swearwords stayed safely inside. "What?" I demanded off Rose.

"You've got to be kidding," Rose said, glancing back at Jan and Wood. Unfortunately he hadn't suffocated mid snog and was now approaching us and sitting down. Er...

"Anyone know what this is about?"

"I told you," Jan snapped. "No one knows."

Yes! Yes! Argue. Argue._ Argue_ _damn it_.

"Albus?" Wood questioned. Obviously not listening to a word the poor girl had said. Probably too interested in sex and snogging. Insensitive prat.

"Nothing." I said darkly.

"Thank you," Jan said primly, sitting down next to me and resting her head on my shoulder. Wood's eyes burned into my shoulder. Bloody hell. Jan was going to get me killed.

"Attention!" James yelled, dramatically appearing. He glanced at me, winked, and gave me the thumbs up. Wood practically exploded next to me. Forget Jan, James was _definitely_going to get me killed. Still, we'd all seen that coming. "Okay, so..." He walked forward sitting down on the front table and grimacing. "I really need you this time guys." His lip started bleeding as he spoke. That was new. Actually...

He was looking more than a little worse the wear, with dark bags – or maybe a slight bruise – under his eyes. Detentions beginning to drain him? Except that couldn't be it, he'd been his glowing, joking laughing self right up to...well, the last time I'd seen him.

"I'm going to have to explain from the beginning," He said, glancing down and taking a deep breath. "You know erm... Evie Perks?" Ravenclaw in my year. Petite. Nice girl. We all stared at him blankly. "So... we've been, well, we've been dating since the summer."

"It's December." Freddie said, slack-jawed. My face just fell off. Seriously.

I don't think I'd ever even heard James says the word dating before, other than in a mocking cynical tone. I suppose he had been a little less annoying recently. I'd put it down to growing up. Apparently my hopes were to be dashed once more.

"And, then... well, yesterday I found her erm, in a broom cupboard with Malfoy." We stared at him. Genuinely dumbfounded. "And you know they said if I did anything else wrong this year I'd be expelled?" He took a deep breath. "He's gone and said that I broke his nose,"

"Did you?" Dom asked.

"Do you_ blame_ me?" James asked. "Apparently they're a_ thing_now," I'd never seen James looked quite so defeated before. He slumped down on one of the tables looking thoroughly miserable.

"What do you want us to do?" I asked.

"I don't know," James muttered, "I don't have much of a plan or anything... there were three witnesses. I've got nothing. I can't go explain because... well, Evie's going to deny we were ever a thing, I think."

"We're going to sort this," I said standing up. "For once, I hate to say this, but... it isn't your fault."

"I love you man," James said weakly. "Best brother ever."

"Love you too, James," I said clapping him on the back, "But... we've got some serious planning to do."

"I can talk to Malfoy," Rose said. Hugo and I sent her questioning glances. "Let's just say I have some decent leverage."

"Okay, I won't ask," I said standing up on one of the benches. "Is anyone good friends with Evie? If someone could talk to her..."

"I'm her roommate," Freddie's awkward blonde girlfriend said. "I could talk to her," I nodded trying to search for someone else who could also go – I didn't exactly trust her abilities. Dating Freddie Weasley and brains didn't seem like a proper fit, if you asked me. Maybe I was judgemental. Maybe I'd learnt from experience.

"Your girlfriend," Jan said pointedly.

"My...Oh, Jenny, right. Well, Jan if you could find her – explain things, I mean..." I shuddered. Her hair was just so yellow. "And if you could go too. That should be enough persuasion."

"What about the rest of us?" Hugo asked eagerly.

"We deal with the witnesses."

X

"So your leverage was...?"

"Her cleavage," Jan laughed, and Rose laughed too – back to normal again, I supposed. Girls were so confusing. "And her charming wit and personality,"

"So you're _dating_the bastard?" I asked her. Despite this being 'all for James' she seemed to be pretty damn smiley about the whole thing. Last I'd heard she'd hated Scorpius Malfoy with the passion of a thousand suns, or something of the sort. "He snogged James's girlfriend? Do you have no dignity?!"

"_He_didn't know. She was two timing both of them."

"She's not even_ that_pretty," Jan commented dryly, painting her nails a shiny black that looked very dramatic against her skin. Jan's nails always looked dramatic. Or just very chipped.

"Oh right," I snapped. "I forgot you had a crush on my brother."

"I don't have a crush on your brother!" She hissed. "I told you it was someone a bit like him, not _him_."

"Wood?" Rose suggested.

"Wood?" We both questioned simultaneously.

"You know, your _boyfriend_." Rose said with a superior eye roll. Rose had the superior thing down. Seriously, I didn't know anyone who was quite so adept and making you feel inferior. Except perhaps Scorpius Malfoy. Match made in hell, if ever I saw one.

"Oh, right," Jan said. "_Ex_-boyfriend. Again. Wondering hands," She added by way of an explanation. "But I suppose he_ is_a bit like James,"

"Wood is a prat."

"Precisely,"

"So was this other bloke a prat?"

"Completely." Jan laughed.

"Point is, how did you break up with him? I swear, it's impossible to do!"

"You're breaking up with Jenny?" Rose questioned with an arched eyebrow. I nodded. "You can't break up with her today considering she managed to convince Evie not to be a complete bitch."

"But _you'd_already sorted it with the agreeing to date Malfoy, business."

"She's lost Evie as a friend because of it,"

"Anyway, Jan helped with that, and... by that point six other people had already claimed to have been the one to break his nose and Dom had seduced two of the witnesses into silence, her boyfriend having threatened the other one into silence. Sure, she was part of the effort but..."

"You can't." Rose countered. "Don't be a bastard, Al."

"Then again," Jan said looking up from her nails with a wry smile. "Her hair is a ridiculous colour." And I remembered just why I loved Janet Harper.

"_That's_why you're dumping her?" I stayed silence. "You're such a guy. Stop objectifying women."

"Oh go snog Malfoy," I said feeling disgruntled and slightly ashamed as I stared at the floor. She took a deep breath and turned an interesting shade of purple before picking up her books and shoving them into her bag. "I didn't mean that!" I yelled at her retreating back. "No snogging before your thirty!" but she didn't reply. She must have been out of hearing range or something.

"Women!" I exclaimed in exasperation.

"I hope I'm not included in that," Jan said primly.

"Course not, you're not a woman." Jan raised an eyebrow at that. "I mean... you're beyond womaness. There's all the good bits like erm... being able to talk about feelings and being nice-"

"- and looking fabulous?" She suggested.

"And looking fabulous." I confirmed. "And then you don't fly off the handle and say confusing things, or dye your hair stupid colours and go on about how ugly you are when you know you're pretty. And you actually eat and don't cry all the time."

"You're such a twelve year old," Jan laughed, finishing her last nail with a flourish. "But thanks, anyway,"

"Just don't start bloody ignoring me again or I'll take it back,"

"Yeah... sorry, I just... I was letting this _thing_get in the way of our friendship but, I've sorted it now – it's fine. This is more important."

I nodded, grinning at her for a moment. "Oh, Jan," I complained. "_How_do I dump her?"

"I can help you out there," James said sandwiching himself between us awkwardly. He looked cheerful again although his lip was still somewhat swollen. "I owe you one," I stared at him. "Well, you organised that whole mission, Al, and let's face it – it was _epic_. You had all bases cover. There was no way the man was bringing me down! So... I'll help you with your romance troubles. I sure as hell know they can be a bitch."

"Are you all right?" I asked worriedly.

"Sure," James said. "Just remind me not to date, ever."

"That's stupid," Jan commented.

"It's perfectly sensible, dating nearly ruined my education and my life. Won't let _that_happen again."

"That's impossibly sad."

"Why, were you interested Jan?" James winked at her. "Now we're both back on the market – it won't last long." She swore at him and called him something her mother wouldn't like. I grinned at that. "Well... your loss."

"So you're giving up girls?" I asked disbelievingly.

"Oh, _hell _no. I'm giving up seriously dating girls." James countered. "I have a new rule. Only date girls that you would cheat on, then you won't care if they cheat on you."

"It's a good job Rose isn't here." I said darkly. Objectifying woman much.

"I still think that's sad, come on James – this was your first proper girlfriend. You can't give up on love forever."

James ignored that. "So, dumping Jen, are you sure?" I nodded. "I mean, she has big..." he gestured. "I hear you've had firsthand experience too?" He winked again. Jan cringed at my side. "What if you sorted your hair issue?"

"No, she's got to go James. Just. Sort it out for me, please. Will you."

"If you're sure?" James asked.

"I'm sure," I said, just as Jan pointed in the direction of the doorway with a look of semi-amazement on her features.

"Because I may have told her that I thought dark brown might suit her better..." James said grinning as he took in Jen's new hair. Dark brown it was. Sexy it definitely was. She'd just become ten times more attractive... and well, really, when I thought about it. Jenny was nice. She was funny. She was a good kisser. There were definite benefits to having a girlfriend... and she looked so...

"You know, James, its fine -" I began just as he stood up and walked over to her. "No!" I protested. Again, he must have been out of hearing range. "Abort James! Abort!" I hissed. Ignored. Do I have one of those voices that no one can hear?

Jan sent a disgusted look in my direction.

I could definitely hear James's voice. "My brother, he just... to tell you the truth. He can be a bit of a prat on occasions."

"Oh god, stop it." I muttered into the desk.

"And... he absolutely _hated_your hair."

I swore into the wood of the desk. This was so unfair. Never. Letting. James. Help. Me. Again.

"He said he used to have nightmares about it actually. He's been telling everyone he wants to dump you for about a month."

"Make it stop Jan," I said, pealing my face of the desk and sending her a longing look. She shook her head and smirked.

"Some of the stuff was really mean, actually. He even said..." then he whispered something into to Jenny's ear that I couldn't hear. Jenny looked outraged. "Anyway, I'm so thankful for you helping me out today, and... you know I'm the older and more mature brother. I was wondering if you wanted to come have a drink in the kitchens with me? Forget about Al. He'd never even kissed a girl before you,"

"That's not true!" I complained, seriously considering banging my head against the desk and crying. Everyone in the common room was watching the scene, of course.

"He couldn't even dump you himself, you don't want him! Now, what do you think Jenny? You up for a butterbeer with the Quidditch Captain?"

"One second," Jenny said and that flirtatious voice I'd become accustomed to hearing. Then she stepped forward, rounding on me with her sexy dark hair falling around her face. "They are not fake!" She exclaimed before slapping me round the face. It stung. A lot actually. I stared at her in shock. Jan, beside me, was silently laughing.

"Screw you Albus Potter!" She added before turning back around, swaggering – her underappreciated (by me, anyway) hips swinging hypnotically as she allowed James to wrap an arm around her waist. His hand casually moving down to her arse – a move I'd never have tried to pull. He turned around and grinned, mouthing 'you can thank my later' with yet another wink.

Jan had tears streaming down her face from laughter and seemed to be in the midst of some sort of fit.

I looked back to James, walking out with my now ex-girlfriend. Help me my arse.

Stupid bastard.


End file.
